Monday, May 8, 2017

blog 9

I didn’t realize how long I had been so somber. I always thought that I was a homebody. I had lost myself long ago. I suppose my function remained because I really thought they cared, but everything changed that night at IKEA. When the police finally came I had pulled myself together. I saw them all standing together in a circle. Dani spotted me and pointed in my direction, they all headed the opposite way. I walked home alone that night. My eyes had always been strong dams for my emotions, but that day, the dams broke. They couldn’t be fixed. I spent the following days in a puddle. I wrapped all of my new blankets around me but I was still cold. I stopped sleeping. At the same time I felt that the pain I was feeling should be insignificant, but I had been numb for too long.
I never wondered who would miss me if I were gone, but I became consumed with the thought. Who would miss me? The girls hadn’t reached out to me since that night. My dog would. I know she would, but it isn’t enough. I always let myself believe that the earth would shake if I were to ever leave, but I knew now that it wouldn’t budge.
I wanted one last goodbye. Not to my friends or family, but to the outside. It was dark. My last night, I thought. I could feel the warmth wrap around me. My footsteps felt light. I decided to walk the whole town. I walked past the trailer park, I walked past work, I walked through the woods to city hall and back. I ended up in the park. I looked up at the tall trees, I could hear children laugh, even though there were none there. I could see old couples sitting on the benches. I could feel the smiles so much, that I let them spread to my face. I smiled wider than I had in months. I could feel energy flowing like a strong stream through my veins. I could feel love lifting up my heart. I let myself feel. I just needed one second to realize how important this feeling was. I needed one second to know I could have this feeling again.
I ran. I let all of the energy I never had take over me. I ran as fast as I could. Past the trailer park, past work, to city hall and back. I ran to the beach. I ran everywhere I hadn’t been in months. I ran to the street. I closed my eyes. I held out my arms. I couldn’t see the headlights. I almost made it back home. I almost made it across the street. I almost made it back to the life I had learned to love.

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