Monday, May 8, 2017

blog 9

I didn’t realize how long I had been so somber. I always thought that I was a homebody. I had lost myself long ago. I suppose my function remained because I really thought they cared, but everything changed that night at IKEA. When the police finally came I had pulled myself together. I saw them all standing together in a circle. Dani spotted me and pointed in my direction, they all headed the opposite way. I walked home alone that night. My eyes had always been strong dams for my emotions, but that day, the dams broke. They couldn’t be fixed. I spent the following days in a puddle. I wrapped all of my new blankets around me but I was still cold. I stopped sleeping. At the same time I felt that the pain I was feeling should be insignificant, but I had been numb for too long.
I never wondered who would miss me if I were gone, but I became consumed with the thought. Who would miss me? The girls hadn’t reached out to me since that night. My dog would. I know she would, but it isn’t enough. I always let myself believe that the earth would shake if I were to ever leave, but I knew now that it wouldn’t budge.
I wanted one last goodbye. Not to my friends or family, but to the outside. It was dark. My last night, I thought. I could feel the warmth wrap around me. My footsteps felt light. I decided to walk the whole town. I walked past the trailer park, I walked past work, I walked through the woods to city hall and back. I ended up in the park. I looked up at the tall trees, I could hear children laugh, even though there were none there. I could see old couples sitting on the benches. I could feel the smiles so much, that I let them spread to my face. I smiled wider than I had in months. I could feel energy flowing like a strong stream through my veins. I could feel love lifting up my heart. I let myself feel. I just needed one second to realize how important this feeling was. I needed one second to know I could have this feeling again.
I ran. I let all of the energy I never had take over me. I ran as fast as I could. Past the trailer park, past work, to city hall and back. I ran to the beach. I ran everywhere I hadn’t been in months. I ran to the street. I closed my eyes. I held out my arms. I couldn’t see the headlights. I almost made it back home. I almost made it across the street. I almost made it back to the life I had learned to love.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

blog 8

I had to make an exception. I hadn’t left my house other than work for almost 5 months. Dani, Mindy, Sharon, and Quin have texted me almost every day, and talked to me at work asking me to hang out. I made excuses every time. I wasn’t interested in spending time with them. My self esteem deteriorates every time I speak to one of them. Constant back handed compliments or just plain insults. The sad part is they didn’t even get the slightest hint that I was bothered by it, but I had to make an exception. IKEA was having a big sale, I was offered a walking group and payment for my meal, so I grabbed my savings jar, shoved it in my wallet and started heading down the stairway. They met me at the bottom with big smiles. I gained optimism, maybe everything would be okay now.
“Chambly, I feel like we haven’t seen you in forever!” Quin squeaked. It had been forever, the day we went ice skating was one of the last times we had ever hung out. That was almost a year ago.
“Ya, I’ve just been studying for my online master’s degree, I feel like I have no life anymore!” I had made up the master's degree months ago as an excuse for my nights alone.
“Oh ya, when are you supposed to actually get that so you can hang out again!?” Sharon asked.
“Ummm, I am not sure, I’ll ask my online teacher how close I am, but after that I might go for a doctorate,” I don’t even think someone can get a doctorate in math.
“Ughh, we want you back!” Dani complained. I knew they didn’t mean it.
We made it to IKEA after a short walk, made a game plan, and came up with a place to meet. Finally we separated. I was on a mission.  I wanted a more comfortable couch and mattress, a mini fridge and lots more blankets. I looked around, moving faster than I had in a long time, determined. I found the mattress section pretty quickly, and laid on every single one before deciding on a memory foam one. I asked a frazzled employee if it could have it delivered, and he reluctantly wrote my name on a long list labeled Deliveries.  I continued on with my journey, and it concluded with serious side eye from the lady ringing up my twenty blankets. I met the girls in the food court, and they confirmed the promise of a free meal.
“Thanks guys!” For the first time in a long time I was having fun when I left the house.

That’s when the power went out.

A voice came over the intercom.

“Hello, people in IKEA, you are no longer allowed to leave, you are being held hostage.”

A series of screams and cries were shared by the crowd.

“I freaking knew this would happen!” Mindy screamed.
“How could you possibly know this would happen?” Sharon sighed.
“Every time Chambly goes with us anywhere, SOMETHING happens that ruins everything, I mean clearly this is a bit of an extreme, but she is just so dull! She either bores us to death or makes a horrible joke or gets offended by something and doesn’t talk the whole rest of the time, YOU NAME IT, the list goes on! I just can’t deal with her anymore!” Mindy screamed. I would feel all of my organs drop. They knew. They knew how badly they hurt me, they knew they were being mean but they really didn’t care. I had melted. A part of me wanted to believe that they actually cared about me. My four best friends in the world, everyone who cared about me really didn’t. My eyes felt glassy. I could see their mouths moving, but I couldn’t hear anything anymore. I sat there. They left me alone. I no longer cared what the outcome of the night would be. I could feel everyone rushing in panic around me. One woman tried to grab my arm.
“Hide!” She told me, “He said he was coming for us!” I didn’t move. I let the night drift by. I realized for the first time in my life that my life had no value.