blog 9

I didn’t realize how long I had been so somber. I always thought that I was a homebody. I had lost myself long ago. I suppose my function remained because I really thought they cared, but everything changed that night at IKEA. When the police finally came I had pulled myself together. I saw them all standing together in a circle. Dani spotted me and pointed in my direction, they all headed the opposite way. I walked home alone that night. My eyes had always been strong dams for my emotions, but that day, the dams broke. They couldn’t be fixed. I spent the following days in a puddle. I wrapped all of my new blankets around me but I was still cold. I stopped sleeping. At the same time I felt that the pain I was feeling should be insignificant, but I had been numb for too long.

I never wondered who would miss me if I were gone, but I became consumed with the thought. Who would miss me? The girls hadn’t reached out to me since that night. My dog would. I know she would, but it isn’t enough. I always let myself believe that the earth would shake if I were to ever leave, but I knew now that it wouldn’t budge.

I wanted one last goodbye. Not to my friends or family, but to the outside. It was dark. My last night, I thought. I could feel the warmth wrap around me. My footsteps felt light. I decided to walk the whole town. I walked past the trailer park, I walked past work, I walked through the woods to city hall and back. I ended up in the park. I looked up at the tall trees, I could hear children laugh, even though there were none there. I could see old couples sitting on the benches. I could feel the smiles so much, that I let them spread to my face. I smiled wider than I had in months. I could feel energy flowing like a strong stream through my veins. I could feel love lifting up my heart. I let myself feel. I just needed one second to realize how important this feeling was. I needed one second to know I could have this feeling again.

I ran. I let all of the energy I never had take over me. I ran as fast as I could. Past the trailer park, past work, to city hall and back. I ran to the beach. I ran everywhere I hadn’t been in months. I ran to the street. I closed my eyes. I held out my arms. I couldn’t see the headlights. I almost made it back home. I almost made it across the street. I almost made it back to the life I had learned to love.

blog 8

I had to make an exception. I hadn’t left my house other than work for almost 5 months. Dani, Mindy, Sharon, and Quin have texted me almost every day, and talked to me at work asking me to hang out. I made excuses every time. I wasn’t interested in spending time with them. My self esteem deteriorates every time I speak to one of them. Constant back handed compliments or just plain insults. The sad part is they didn’t even get the slightest hint that I was bothered by it, but I had to make an exception. IKEA was having a big sale, I was offered a walking group and payment for my meal, so I grabbed my savings jar, shoved it in my wallet and started heading down the stairway. They met me at the bottom with big smiles. I gained optimism, maybe everything would be okay now.

“Chambly, I feel like we haven’t seen you in forever!” Quin squeaked. It had been forever, the day we went ice skating was one of the last times we had ever hung out. That was almost a year ago.

“Ya, I’ve just been studying for my online master’s degree, I feel like I have no life anymore!” I had made up the master's degree months ago as an excuse for my nights alone.

“Oh ya, when are you supposed to actually get that so you can hang out again!?” Sharon asked.

“Ummm, I am not sure, I’ll ask my online teacher how close I am, but after that I might go for a doctorate,” I don’t even think someone can get a doctorate in math.

“Ughh, we want you back!” Dani complained. I knew they didn’t mean it.

We made it to IKEA after a short walk, made a game plan, and came up with a place to meet. Finally we separated. I was on a mission.  I wanted a more comfortable couch and mattress, a mini fridge and lots more blankets. I looked around, moving faster than I had in a long time, determined. I found the mattress section pretty quickly, and laid on every single one before deciding on a memory foam one. I asked a frazzled employee if it could have it delivered, and he reluctantly wrote my name on a long list labeled Deliveries.  I continued on with my journey, and it concluded with serious side eye from the lady ringing up my twenty blankets. I met the girls in the food court, and they confirmed the promise of a free meal.

“Thanks guys!” For the first time in a long time I was having fun when I left the house.

That’s when the power went out.

A voice came over the intercom.

“Hello, people in IKEA, you are no longer allowed to leave, you are being held hostage.”

A series of screams and cries were shared by the crowd.

“I freaking knew this would happen!” Mindy screamed.

“How could you possibly know this would happen?” Sharon sighed.

“Every time Chambly goes with us anywhere, SOMETHING happens that ruins everything, I mean clearly this is a bit of an extreme, but she is just so dull! She either bores us to death or makes a horrible joke or gets offended by something and doesn’t talk the whole rest of the time, YOU NAME IT, the list goes on! I just can’t deal with her anymore!” Mindy screamed. I would feel all of my organs drop. They knew. They knew how badly they hurt me, they knew they were being mean but they really didn’t care. I had melted. A part of me wanted to believe that they actually cared about me. My four best friends in the world, everyone who cared about me really didn’t. My eyes felt glassy. I could see their mouths moving, but I couldn’t hear anything anymore. I sat there. They left me alone. I no longer cared what the outcome of the night would be. I could feel everyone rushing in panic around me. One woman tried to grab my arm.

“Hide!” She told me, “He said he was coming for us!” I didn’t move. I let the night drift by. I realized for the first time in my life that my life had no value.

blog 7

I had forgotten about the death completely. Maybe it was a coping method, maybe is was sheer memory infectivity, regardless, I had forgotten. When the body resurfaced, I had few questions, unlike everyone else. It was one event, nothing like it had happened before or since the incident so I didn’t see it as significant. I didn’t know the victim or their family so the original killing faded quickly and so did the resurfacing of the body.

I don’t mean to seem unsympathetic. I understand why others find this event so important, but I find it best not to dwell on topics like this. I continued to work at my job, I maintained my friendships despite my attraction to home, my life will go on.

The main concern is  the effect on the town. My friends only invite me over to their houses, local businesses have suffered, everyone is living in fear.

I suppose this didn’t happen as direct aftermath of the murder because everyone believed the criminal would be caught, or that there was no murderer at all, and by the time it would have become a concern that the killer would never be caught, the event had become irrelevant. The discovery of the body had confirmed that anyone could get away with murder.

I am not worried for my safety or the well being of anyone else, but I am concerned about the financial state of local businesses.

I am insensitive, but after a year, I think after finding the body the family is finally at peace.

blog 6

They invited me ice skating. I had never been, again I was wrapped up in my blankets and betsy was in my lap, but I decided to abandon my cozy scene to learn to ice skate. I layered up, including 4 pairs of socks, and headed out. The girls were waiting for me at the bottom of my building, bundled up as well. "Do they have ice skates there?" I assumed they did because none of them were holding skates.

"Ya, they have like a little free library of skates, it's really cute," Dani said, smiling. We headed toward the pond that had been frozen over by the Alaskan like weather. 

"Okay, let's skate!!" Mandy yelled running over to the skates, we all followed, quickly tightening the laces and rushing towards the ice. 

I stepped on, and i could imediantly feel myself loosing my balance. I tried to stay up but I feel right on my face. My day had been ruined.

"Awww, little chambly doesn't know how to ice skate does she," Quin and Dani laughed as they passed me without even trying to help me up. I was now raging. I was clearly in severe pain and they didn't even try to make me feel better, just laughed. 

I got back up, and tried again, proceeding to fall for the second time.

"Oh my gosh! Chambly! Are you okay?" Sharon offered her hand to me, I smiled, feeling that warm blanket around me. At least Sharon cared.

"Sharon, she has to learn, she's being a little baby," Dani cackled. The sharp noice hit me hard and I could feel tears forming in my eyes. Sharon still helped me up, and followed after Dani without saying anything.

I finally stood up, and just as I started to hit my stride, Mandy raced past me, and the forced knocked me down, she didn't even turn back, just continued on.

Next time they invited me somewhere, I was definitely going to stay home.

blog 5

I was a firm believer of Christmas after Thanksgiving, but this year i was using cold as an excuse to move up the exciting time! I was hoping that the town would move on from the murder and just focus on the joys of the holiday season, however it seemed as though the town was buzzing about the next suspicious event that had occurred. I had been receiving texts all night from the group conversation about the mysterious figures around town and what not. I personally had almost given up being social and decided to spend the majority of my winter inside. I only left the house for the essentials, like laundry, work or food, otherwise, I was with my dog betsy on the couch watching a christmas movie and drinking hot chocolate. I was cooped up in my apartment until i was forced by Mindy, Sharon, Quin and Dani to go to the Christmas tree lighting. They whined explaining that it was a tradition and I had to be there, so after a while of then pushing I agreed to go. I slipped on my warmest sweater, my Ugg boots, two pairs of leggings, four pairs of socks and a thick winter coat. When I finally stepped outside I could barely walk but I was warm. I met the girls at the bottom of my building. We quickly got to the tree lighting and got warm hot chocolate from the first place we could find.
"I love christmas!" Mindy hummed, she had a giant smile on her face and she couldn't take her eyes off the tree. I looked over at her.
"Me too," my smile got almost as big as hers. None of us wanted to look away, even unlit the tree was beautiful. None of us had seen an alive tree in what felt like months and it was amazing to see something so big and lucious. I checked my phone 9:25.
"They should light it in just a. few minutes," I informed everyone. I took a strong sip of my hot chocolate. We all stood in silence until the tree began to glow, we looked like small school children looking at a cake, staring in wonder.
"What do you guys want to do now?" Dani asked, clearly ready to leave.
"I have an idea!" Sharon shouted, "Let's go to the park and make snow angels!!!" She started almost sprinting towards the park and we all followed, laughing loud across the town. When we arrived we dropped to the ground and moved our arms and legs as fast as we could. I got home that night numb, cheeks red, toes almost infected with frost bite but my only thought was: those girls are my best friends and i'll leave the house for them any day.

blog 4

Attempting to be social left me constantly tired, so when I received a text from Sharon asking if I would waitress with her at the Murder Mystery party in my building, I unenthusiatically agreed. I loved halloween parties, which is the real motive behind me leaving the house. I really loved dressing up and getting scared. I had noticed the invitation under my door a few weeks prior, but I wasn't sure who had left it there. I decided to dress as a witch. I had always loved the concept and the costume was easy. I had finished my costume without the green face makeup, I made the executive call because I had already put too much effort into my current face makeup to remove it.
I met Sharon downstairs at 8, she had already been briefed on the procedures so I just followed what she told me to do. Soon after guests began to arrive and it seemed within the blink of an eye the entire 7th floor was packed.
"Look!" Sharon aggressively nudged me.
"What!" I turned around, a bit annoyed.
"It's the ringmaster guy! didn't you guys see him at the forum too?"
"Okay, ya, I have a question, why does anyone care about this guy, he is just an average guy! probably took a wrong turn in life and worked for the circus to make some extra money, now he's out of it and we just should all let him be!" I turned back to my work, refusing the recognize the significance of the man's presence.
"I guess that could be one theory, but everyone around town is talking about how he is the one who left that pool of blood a few weeks ago, and I think they could be right! I mean look at the guy, he's so creepy!" Sharon made a disgusted face, keeping her eyes on the ringmaster.
"Just because someone seems creepy, doesn't mean they would murder someone! Why is everyone getting all up in this poor man's business," with that, i grabbed a plate of hors d'oeuvres and began serving them to people, ignoring the man.

blog 3

I love to stay in. Wrap myself in a warm blanket, turn on the news or a good show, cuddle with my dog, eat popcorn, drink hot chocolate. I love it all. So when Dani texted the group conversation asking if any of us wanted to go with her to the forum, I was very tempted to say no, I was in my pajamas, remote in hand, betsy on the couch, but free meeting Banks, I realized that many others in the community could be pleasant as well and I was anxious to meet them. Mindy and Quin agreed to go as well. I wasn't exactly sure what the forum would be about, I remember receiving an invitation in the mail, but I didn't get a chance to read it. I stepped outside, feeling for my invitation in my packet. I shivered violently. I didn't expect the cold, for just earlier that week it had been nice fall weather. I was happy that the at was such a short walk from my apartment building and I quickly made my way into the forum, presenting my invitation at the door. It seemed as though I was the first one of my friend to arrive. I spotted some firmiliar faces. Debra from the mat had shown up, and I could see a man that I knew I recognized, but I didn't know where. 

"Chambly!" Quin shouted across the bar, I turned, the three girls were standing together near the bathrooms. 

"Hey! What's up?" I asked, but the girls didn't even make eye contact with me, "Hello?"

"Sorry, we noticed right before you came over here that the man from the circus is here, like the ring leader guy or whatever," Mindy pointed towards a talk man, dressed normally, as though he blended in.

"Oh, ya I saw him earlier, I couldn't put a finger on where I knew him from though, I guess that's where haha, so do you guys want to get drinks?"

"Chambly, are you not concerned by this?"

"Um no, It's just a circus guy, what does it matter?" I was confused, I mean circuses can be creepy, but I didn't think that the man's presence was very meaningful.

"Have you not heard the rumors around town? A creepy circus showed up in the middle of the night and that guy," Mindy said, pointing again towards the man, "would stand on the corner all day handing out flyers and stuff and then all the sudden the circus disappears and now this guy, like the head of the show is left behind, I don't know I guess it doesn't mean much but he still gives me the creeps," Mindy cringed. I just shook my head, he was just a guy who had a job with a circus, nothing strange about that.

"Okay, so drinks?" I suggested again, the girls shyly shook their heads and followed me to the bartender.